This Doubting Momma

Today is tough. Not just because I was up too late watching the Super Bowl (Go Bucs!). But mostly because I'm a mom who is doubting herself. We are 100+ days of virtual school into this year (not including the 2+ months we did at the end of last year). It has been 332 days since I stepped foot into a grocery store. I'm tired, and I fear my kids are tired of me. I question daily if we are doing what's best for our family.

Current situation: We are out of milk. We are out of bread. And gasp, no coffee creamer going on day two. I have three different grocery pickup orders open on my computer at three different stores, none of which are completed and I have no idea what we really need or what to make for meals this week. I have cooked 1,000+ meals to accommodate various allergies and pickiness in the last 332 days (but who's counting), and I am tired of everything I know how to cook. I have nothing to send in for Valentine's Day for our non-virtual friends or treats for my own kiddos to make them feel special. To be honest I'm not even sure what day February 14th is on because I have no idea what day it is today, other than yesterday was Super Bowl Sunday so today must be Monday. While I am trying to remind myself how fortunate I feel to have the means to purchase food for meals and treats, my train of thought is immediately derailed by sounds of fart noises coming from 2 boys in the background which only reminds me I need to get them back to school work. Groceries will have to wait...until lunch time when no one knows what to eat and I try this online ordering again.

While Kid #1 was on live classes this morning, I made him some flash cards for a big test coming up, all the while Kid #2 was trying to negotiate taking the day off. Trust me when I say this, it was one of the hardest things not to give in. I want the day off too, Li'l Buddy.

After printing the schedule for Kid #2 from his teacher, I start going over it with him. He's 6. Then Ping. A message from his teacher. It's a reminder to send in a picture for a lesson this week, but just below this message is an earlier message from last week that I missed. It's an adorable selection pictures of the class doing activities centered around the 100 days of school they celebrated last week. I see little masked faces with smiling eyes working together in their Centers, and just being kids.

I think back to our 100th day of virtual school last week when when I thought I was being a rock star momma. I didn't have the schedule from the teacher yet, so I logged into Minecraft with my kids and hid items in a various chests around the world for them to do various 100 Day activities (and yes, this momma knows how to Minecraft, and Roblox, and Xbox...and everything else my kids want to do when we are stuck in a pandemic and they can't play with their friends):

So, on the 100th day of school, in Minecraft:

- I made a chest and placed in it colored blocks for them to use and build a rainbow tower of 100 blocks.

- I helped them build an aquarium and challenged them to fill it with 100 sea creatures.

- I built a fence and placed a chest inside with farm animals for them to spawn 100 animals into the pen.

- I left a chest filled with various blocks for them to build a structure using 100 blocks.

We even made snacks where they counted 10 of 10 different things for their snack bowl.

I thought I was killin' it. I even took screenshots with the intention to send his teacher as the reason we didn't do and turn in the coloring worksheets we hadn't picked up yet. But lunch had to be made and I never sent the pics...and now I can't find them on my laptop. Fast forward to this moment as I look back at the post from his teacher. I see a picture with a group of my child's friends that he hasn't seen in almost a year, working together and building a tower out of 100 cups, and building towers with 100 Legos, and structures with 100 popsicle sticks. Doing similar things we did virtually on a computer game as a family, but these kids were building with real blocks with their friends.

And I am now near to tears.

I want that for my kids. I love them with every fiber of my being, and want to protect them, but I also I want them to be with their friends. I yearn for them to have some normalcy. I question myself daily if we are making the right choices for them to be home during this pandemic. And each time I am asked when my kids will be going back to school, that little speck of guilt and doubt creep in more. And then I remember my mom, and my in-laws, and family members with health risks that we are able to see because we are choosing to stay home and exist in a bubble with them.

There have been pros and cons to virtual school. The cons are pretty obvious, and I've already touched on most of them. They aren't with their friends. They don't have structure in the traditional sense that a school provides. They can't draw inspiration from classmates by sharing what they are drawing or writing. Sadly, both kids are home during a year when their teachers are some of my favorites they've ever had the opportunity to have. And while we go outside and play, or to playgrounds and parks to run free or play kickball and baseball or football, it's lacking in the social dynamics of a playground full of their peers.

On the plus side though, my own football and baseball skills have improved, and I can now successfully do the monkey bars.;)

I've also been able to see first hand how my 4th grader learns. I have seen what he likes and doesn't like about school and how to help him embrace the subjects that don't come naturally. As such, his skills in these subjects have expanded beyond what he knew himself to be capable. I've seen him act professionally during video calls with teachers and be an advocate for his own learning when he didn't understand something. He has expanded his mind beyond the traditional ways of learning. He has spent his breaks during the day helping his brother or building an entire electric train track with his dad when dad's work schedule allows. He has shown compassion and helped his classmates virtually when they've had to stay home from school too.

I've spent more time listening to our Kindergartener read than I ever could have otherwise due to our overscheduled pre-pandemic life. And he's reading at the level of a 2nd grader. We've snuggled while watching science videos. We've practiced our penmanship in globs of shaving cream. We've built 1,000+ piece Lego sets. We've gone swimming or beach walking. We've played more tag than I care to recall. We've also done all the required work for school. Somehow amidst the power struggle (which is oh so very real), we've gotten it done.

Most of my day is spent with our 6 year old and I pop in with our 9 year old when I can or he needs me. But by putting my head in the place of a 6 year old all day as both the teacher and the play partner, I struggle with my own sense of self sometimes. And that's when the doubt rolls in. Am I doing enough? Am I pushing too hard? Am I letting them be free enough? Am I encouraging enough? Am I too hard on them? Am I doing anything right? Am I the only one who feels like this?

I really don't know what normal is anymore. I feel fortunate we have our health and we have each other. Our bubble is one that's full of love with grandparents and cousins and the occasional curbside Chick-fil-A platter. And as vaccinations become more readily available, perhaps my faith will grow stronger than my fear. Perhaps this Doubting Momma is more like Doubting Thomas the apostle than I realized. A little late to the party (or in this case to school) but with faith that we'll get there...eventually.